it's too late to be thinking these deep thoughts...

"I yawn & yet I yearn. A part of me wants to sleep & a part of me dies to live. To yawn, to yearn-- to sleep & dream or to live a life of the dreams that dreams dream of? To yawn & slow to the doldrums of settling or to yearn & yell at the top of my lungs that I will not be shaken? This is the conflict."-- Me (at 12 something in the A.M.)

I often think that I think too much (Do you see the paradox?). This would prove true no matter how wise one would gauge me to be (or not to be). What I mean is that thinking in and of itself does nothing. Thinking does not perform a function.. to think merely for the sake of thinking is foolishness. What purposes do theories solve? Unless they are put into the further stages of testing and then (ultimately) being proven or disproven.. they mean nothing. AND SO IT IS WITH THOUGHT! So then, any amount of thinking is too much thinking. Does this mean my parents should cry because of spending money on my private school education? NO!!!! It simply means that they should cry (and so should I) if thought is the limit (and end) of my education. Thoughts are nice: thoughts of love, thoughts of falling in love, thoughts of freedom, thoughts of God...

However.. thoughts are thoughts.. it is our actions or lack of that proves or disproves these thoughts. (be it love or our concept or profession of Who God is & what he's like & what we think of him & how we live for him)

What does the above quote have to do with this, you say?
Well, it is kind of similar in a way. I'm glad you asked.

Have you ever read Philippians 1? Good, I'm glad you have. Oh, but YOU.. you haven't. Oh, good thing I've included a nice, nifty little link to an online translation of it here (copy & paste in your browser window)

----------> http://www.gnpcb.org/esv/search/?q=Philippians+1



See, Paul faced this same type of predicament. He had a paradox of living or dying to deal with. In the idea of thinking too much.. we see a paradox. We are taught to think. In fact, teaching is thinking in advanced form. So how then could we say we could think too much? And yet, thought of any form without follow up action.. is just that. Meaningless.

With the quote at the start of all this madness, we see the same thing. To yearn & to yawn can become strikingly similar and in fact the same thing apart from the difference of follow up action. So then we see also in Paul's case that living and dying can be the same thing.

Living is death apart from Christ & yet IN CHRIST dying becomes true living. To die becomes gain when we see that we are really going home to be with Christ! And yet, there are times where it is more profitable for our own sakes or for others.. to live on and minister even in the less valuable earthly state (and yet even though it is "less desirable" it becomes "more desirable" when it is the will of Christ)!

Do you see the train of paradox being continually added to here? And yet people would claim that the bible contradicts itself. Does it? NO!!! It is simply paradoxical... just like our lives ... go figure.

We can't understand the natural paradox even though because we are too busy thinking and not adding action to our thoughts. How then could we ever hope to understand (the much more simple-complex) spiritual paradox?


See, we can even go deeper than that. When you first read my quote.. at the start of this.. I bet you thought the words like "sleep, dream, yell, yawn & yearn" were literal? And yet, they weren't. I meant them in a figurative & metaphorical fashion. I meant that to sleep is to die (figuratively or literally).. and to dream is to stay in a unconscious realm of thought without action continually.. and to yell is to really live consciously and know that you are doing so... and to yearn is to yell & push forward to strive for Christ even more in the paradoxical realm of dying to live by dying to self...


So then, everything takes on new meaning when transferring from the flesh to the spirit.. even when put in secular terms... sleep is no longer simply "sleep".. to yearn is no longer simply "to yearn".

Maybe even... just maybe.. "loving" is no longer simply "to love" but something much more deep and profound only found by continual prayer & pouring over the scriptures & seeking the Father in Heaven... who is the only good one.

So then, by that, the "good" of the world isn't even good.
The "good" of the Christian isn't even good unless every time we say "good" we mean "Father in Heaven"!

See, a deeper meaning.

What if the "love" of the world is also not love.
What if the "love" of the Christian is also not even love unless every time we say or do "love"..... it is a reference to that love which is the love that IS the Father (since scripture says that God is love)...

Wow...
yehhhhhh.

I also see Romans 7 & 8 all over the quote at the start of this. You should go read that.

I mean let's re-examine the quote..

"I yawn & yet I yearn. A part of me wants to sleep & a part of me dies to live. To yawn, to yearn-- to sleep & dream or to live a life of the dreams that dreams dream of? To yawn & slow to the doldrums of settling or to yearn & yell at the top of my lungs that I will not be shaken? This is the conflict."

yawn= thinking but not moving beyond thought.

yearning = desiring to move beyond thought & being at the point of considering it but not yet doing it.

sleep = to die (figuratively or literally)..

to live = to not sleep or die.. or willingly die or sleep so that another may not have to sleep or die against their own will. (denial of self, self sacrificing, non-selfish. fruit that is shown through actions-- peace, joy, love, respect, honor, mercy, willingness to give, willingness to suffer, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..)

dream = dream is to stay in a unconscious realm of thought without action continually.. (which is also to never have to choose or face conflict but also means never facing the rewards of good choices and good blessings and mercy)

yell = to really live consciously and know that you are doing so... so that "to yearn" becomes "yelling" & pushes forward to strive for Christ even more in the paradoxical realm of dying to live by dying to self... forgetting what is behind except in area of growing in wisdom & Godliness.

And you ask, "What about dying?"

I haven't defined dying in the new paradigm, I believe that if we define the others...in the light of Christ.. Christ will see to it that the paradox of death stays true so that death is really no death at all.. but a (Colossians 2) type realization of who our true self really is in Christ.. to no longer see as in a mirror dimly.. but to see and know fully now (Corinthian's concept) even as we have been fully known by Christ!!!

That my friends, is a beautiful concept..
but we are thinking too much.

Let us begin action so that it may be realized & not merely thought upon.
Christ is no theory, he is in fact & is. He IS that he IS.
He says, "I AM".

He is... he is not a theory that is going to be....
but he is proven. He already is.. and was.. and will be.

So, let's get out of thinking and theory mode & move into the realm of what we do with proven entities.

Even in science, we don't just sit around all day contemplating something when it's proven. We put it to use. We act upon it. We find out how it applies so that it may heal & repair & grow & nurture life.

NO, we don't just sit around talking. We don't just sit around hypothesizing. We PRACTICE. And practice entails that failures come, but it's okay... because practice is also what leads to success!

Let's do that. I want to do that.

lose your "black & white" mentality people.

Some would say "Do not provoke your brother."
I would say.. "You're on to something.. lose your 'black & white' mentality & you might get something out of that."

Here's what I mean--> It's not a matter of "Do" or "Don't" ....

Let's resolve this--

Go ahead and provoke your brother. In fact, provoke your sister & your mom & dad & pastor & deacons even!.. Provoke them unto good works & righteousness. Provoke them unto peace, love, hope, virtue, charity, real living-- truth.

So then it's not a matter of what we are against, but what we are for. What we are for (when strong enough -- meaning .. when of God) automatically implies what we are against!

There are times when you have to also literally say it though, but I think you're getting my mindset here.. eh?

The word of God is not so weak that it cannot stand on its own power! It is both an offense & defense of itself. It is complete.. not lacking in any good thing.

And so, why must we feel the need to add & subtract to it?
We simply hinder it for a time.. and so.. hinder ourselves from real progress.

The Descartes fallacy- like soup w/o a spoon.

Well here I am. Or am I here? The paradox of existence, ah. And yet, I know that I am. But what part of me "is" & whose is it? and for how long & to what extent?

I mean, Am I here 100% occupied in whatever I do.. or am I divided in allegiances constantly.. even w/o admitting it? I should surely hope not, Christ did say that a house divided against itself could never stand!

I will say that this is tricky to even begin to talk about.. because we could get into the realm of walking in the flesh vs. walking in the spirit.. which could further break down. I don't want to do that now. I just want to examine one particular secular notion that is kind of relative to this whole idea. (but if you want to read on flesh vs. spirit-- look at Romans 7 & 8.. or at the Galatians 5 passage on the Fruit of the spirit.. or Colossians 3.. or Philippians 2 & 3.. that should paint some kind of picture for you)


I belong to Christ, 100%. And yet, I don't always live up to the quote: "I think, therefore I am." No offense to Descartes, but I find his quote disheartening. It doesn't finish well. Just because I think on love doesn't mean I love. Just because I doubt my own validity in the universe doesn't mean that the implied personal nature of that doubt proves my existence. Just because I think.. that doesn't do anything. The concept is really a fallacy to me. It doesn't finish well. If I had to compare its mode of thought to anything.. I would compare it to a big bowl of soup without a spoon. It looks really good, but you can't take it all in. You want to take it all in, because it seems tasty.. but you realize that without the spoon.. it is incomplete and will end up spilling on you and leaving you burned in the end.

Christ commands me to finish well, so I have to rework Descartes fallacy of thought process here. I would say, for the Christian: "I love, therefore I am."

In fact, I would take it even a step further and just say all of this--

You have heard the saying "I think, therefore I am." This is not enough. I now say to you "I love, therefore I am." If one wonders whether or not they truly exist.. their wondering alone is not proof of true existence. You have heard that it is, but it is not. Proof of true living is love, for this is what the Father seeks.


and then I would take it even farther by adding this--
Those who worship must worship in spirit & in truth. I tell you this-- Apart from love, your Father in heaven does not even exist.. for such is his very being.



Now Go read 1st John and then read John 4 and tell me that what I'm saying doesn't line up with scripture. I dare you. I want you to be like the Acts 17:10-11 people. Go examine my words. I don't speak of my own initiative, but of the Father. Even as it is written, why would a man seek his own perishable glory when he could seek the imperishable glory of the Father? Therefore, I speak of the imperishable glory that is of the Father.. that I might also partake of that divine glory (in due time).

P.S. -- The first few chapters of Colossians tend to speak really well on this idea as well.

cause sometimes you just need to make a kid's song into an adult's song...

& find that some things about child-hood are perfectly beautiful when transferred to adulthood.

WRONG WAY!

This is sort of a satirically "happy" sounding sound with an up-beat about the saddest thing ever. Yes, I wrote a paradox in song form. It's about knowingly & willingly rebelling against God & choosing other gods (that are not gods) to be God in his place... This song is about telling him that.. to his face... or you could look at is as a believers sarcastic take on other people doing so. There are certainly elements of both in here. If this makes you want to shoot me or call me a blasphemer.. then good for me. Here we go!



V1: Father, Father, Father believe us when I tell you..

We took the wrong way out &

Father, Father, Father mistreat us when we tell you..

That God can mistreat now &

I know, I know, I know it’s crazy to command you..

I took the wrong way now.

As example to all of my peers..

I took the wrong way out.



V2: Father, Father, Father believe me when I tell you..

that I’m an officer now &

Father, Father, I’m a policeman caught abusing

I’ve stole your position now &

I know, I know, I know it’s crazy to call you names

Like “pathetic & made up” & "bastard"

& I’m taking the wrong way out..

I’ll take the wrong way out.



{Chorus 1}-

So give me your number, & I will call the complaint line.

So give me your cover, & I will berate your marriage design.

So give me your number, & will call the complaint line.

Cause I’m always good at calling people, screwing up my years.



V3: Father, Father, Father believe us when I tell you

We are a strong race now &..

Father, Father, Father believe that we don’t need you..

Even thought we cry out in despair

See I know, I know.. I know it’s crazy to want you..

And to need you but deny your own right

to call us to love & not hate your design of light.



{Chorus 2}-

So give me your number, & I will call the complaint line.

So give me your cover, & I will berate your marriage design.

So give me your number, & will call the complaint line.

Cause I’m always good at calling people, screwing up all hope near.



{Bridge}-

To the common man it’s like “God” is “Dog” & “Dog” is “man”

& we’re picking up numbers to plot our own graves in the sand.

To the common man it’s like “God” is “Dog” & “Dog” is “man”…

& now man oh man.. I’d call you but I’ve cut the line again..

now my heart beat is dead.

DUM, DUM, DUM.
(I am dumb. We're all dumb!)



{Chorus 3}-

So give me your number, & I will call the complaint line.

So give me your cover, & I will berate your marriage design.

So give me your number, & will call the complaint line.

Cause I’m always good at calling people, screwing up my years.



So give me your number, & I will call the complaint line.

So give me your cover, & I will berate your marriage design.

So give me your number, & will call the complaint line.

Cause I’m always good at calling people, screwing up all hope near.



{Outro}-

So I’m taking the wrong way now, I’ll take the wrong way out.

So I’m taking the wrong way now, I’ll take the wrong way out.

So I’m taking the wrong way now, I’ll take the wrong way out.. Lord.

choices..

Choices are all around us. WE say that we want to have freedom. We say that we want to have innumerable, & unforseen options.. however.. when we get such moments of possibility we often only have confusion. Isn't this a strange anomaly? Isn't it so paradoxical? It is in such moments that we realize that with great freedom really does come great responsibility!!!

The more I know, the more I become a slave to my knowledge. The more wisdom I acquire.. the more I am ruined by possible answers that I must wade through in search of the one true answer to any given predicament. OH for the days of the 5 and 6 year olds that in any given situation only had two options: one = right & two = wrong.
Now.. one may = wrong & two may STILL = wrong.. but in a differing way.. or one may = right.. and two just = MORE RIGHT by virtue of quickness or general efficiency!

What is a modern example of such miserable choices that ruin. I will give you an easy one that is generally unnoticed: The bachelor. Also- The Bachelorette.

Can a man be ruined by a knowledge of multiple clear choices of love?
Can a woman be ruined by a knowledge of multiple clear choices of love?

I think the answer is yes.
How?

Well, this many options leaves a person evaluating and re-evaluating what love actually is to them. Now, it is not wrong for a person to clearly grow as a person into a realization that what they once deemed as love is not (in fact) love. However, what is the motivation for realizing such a thing? IF the motivation for this realization is a list of 30 people that you spend time with.. the your definition of love (by very virtue of the motivation that made you change it) is not going to be solid even in its newly realized state.

That definition would just change again given 30 different people to make you re-evaluate it again in a different setting with differing circumstances!

How obvious this must seem when it is stated out.. and yet it is the same in so many other situations and not just in love.

Sometimes we are better with only a few clear options or choices. Many choices may ruin a life... but only a few can solidify & uphold it.

Do you want to be the person with endless possibility and options.. or the person with only a few possibilities that are clear and concise as to truth & beauty?

There are many means to an end.. but only one end to a means.
The means of love are ever changing... but the end of love is simply.. more love.
The means and methods of dying are ever changing... but the end of death is simply.. always death... (and death only to be raised in newness of life *for the Christ follower* but still death must come first)

The means change.. the end has always been the same & will be.

But what about for the Christian, again?
OH yes.. it changes.. but yet is still the same.. in a way..

So then:

The means of love are ever changing... but the end of love is simply.. more love (which would make the end no end at all *another paradox*)
The means & methods of dying are ever changing... but the end of death is simply.. always death... (so then the death of death in Christ makes death no longer death but life instead!-- another paradox)

The means change.. the end has always been the same & will be (Jesus).
And so.. when Christ is involved even.. the secular notion still holds true in a way.. and yet Jesus changes it to have a new sort of meaning to it. So then the "ah-hah" moment is no longer an "ah-hah" moment.. but something realized from a series of previously collected bits of info & events & life learning.

Maybe this is why God is referred to as simply "I AM" in portions of the Old Testament. Hrmmm??? There is a beginning & an end & Jesus is to be both. And yet, he is also to be involved in the constant present ... not just the past and future (beginning & end). Maybe this is why community is so important? We wouldn't learn these things on our own.. but instead our collective societal efforts and talks and yearnings lead us to these things together.

So then.. would I rather have many many means when there is only an end of love or death? Wouldn't I much rather have only a few options (because the fewer options yield for a greater percent of getting it right and choosing love over death)?

However... our world is complicated.. and so.. we have an ever increasing realm of means.... from 1 billions to 2 billion to 3 and multiplied & squared & then cubed.
And still... the end result is either death or life.

-- No wonder Jesus said the way was narrow and that few would find it.
This becomes more true with each passing day of man.

-- No wonder James said that "The days are evil" & encouraged us to make the most of today while it is still called today!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not promoting minimalism here. Knowing how to do things many ways is a good thing... but is there a such thing as too much? Solomon would teach us that there is! He had more collective people & wisdom & knowledge & wealth under his thumb than anyone in history!!!!

Most people today would also recognize this in the way that a man who learns several trades will usually not be as good at any one skill than another man who picks one trade and devotes himself entirely to it. There are exceptions to every rule, but generally this would prove true.

So is the choice a friend or enemy then?
Is my choice to choose making me a slave?
Again, this screams of paradox!

"How can freedom make you a slave?"- you say.
I say- "Freedom from what.. in order to do what?"

We have become so amassed in choice that our choice is to be free to choose but not to know or realize what we are choosing or why or when or how. (or even where or to what extent)

WE have become lost to the details. We no longer care about the sub-possibilities within the one best option & the one worst option. Instead, we opt for the 30 million options that sound good on the surface.. but yield no meat amidst the deeper details.

We have paralyzed ourselves amidst the choices of where to move next.
What if we chose to be still? Would our choice to stand still and reflect keep us from crashing our brains and lead us to a better understanding?

So then, we stand still now in order to think and decide more effectively... or we effectively decide not to stand still.. and in the process end up paralyzing ourselves from decision (ultimately to be stuck standing still against our will).

Ah, does the paradox end?
Does the question end?
Maybe my question ends where your question begins?
Maybe my answer starts where your answer left off?

So then, we require togetherness.
There is no I anymore.

The better statement is: Was there ever really an "I" or were you & I just under a false impression from our "Freedom" that wasn't really freedom at all?

You see, even Adam was never alone. You say, "Rick, he was.. before God made Eve." To that I say-- "God did say 'It is not good for man to be alone'-- BUT, he also SAID it.. proving that HE was with Adam all along. Adam was never alone. And so.. even in Adam's loneliness there was no "I". (not in the sense that we see "I")..
Adam was never truly alone. God didn't mean alone the same way we mean "alone". Perhaps we should line up our vocabulary with his? Perhaps we should line up our character with his? It is the only way to more properly understand and live out this whole "love" thing. It is the only way to rid ourselves of this community blistering, love ruining concept of what we describe "loneliness" as.

WE are not alone. WE were never alone.

There was community.. between God and his creation.. God and Adam even. There was "WE" from the very start.

Perhaps the most important choice is that of sight or blindness, hearing or deafness... out of sight we react and move.. out of hearing we react and do.

WE need to move.. and we need to do. And yet, we are (in large) not a nation of movers and doers. We are (instead) a nation of critics & contemplation. The problem is that contemplation is only "in theory"... and "theory" is called "theory" because it is not PROVEN in action.

So are we sending out the message.. by not being movers & doers.. that Christianity is only a theory? If so, then we are effectively telling the world that Christ has not been and is not being proven.. but only thought upon..

Isn't Christ more than this?
Isn't Christ beyond the realm of the mere mind?
Isn't he all encompassing?
Isn't he everywhere?

Well, thoughts can't be everywhere folks. Thoughts are limited to the mind.
So, we have a problem. WE have been putting Christ within the limited confines of our mind's "box" for way too long.

I don't have to tell you.. but I will..
we have a choice to make today...
and maybe that choice will lead to another..
and maybe the choice to make that choice will lead to another still...
and another.... and another...

Wanting you..

So I woke up late today. Most creative people realize that they either work best under the conditions of waking up early & thinking out things.. or staying up after the world is asleep in order to think out things. Sometimes I do the staying up late bit.. sometimes.. (though not much) I will also do the waking up early thing. However, today.. I just happened to not wake up til most of my classes were supposed to be done. I know, bad me. Shame on me. However, I used this opportunity (since my mind was fresh & unusually alert from the extra sleep). I picked up my guitar and played an E Major chord. I started strumming around with a finger picking soft, subtle pattern. These lyrics then came to mind. The idea is that of two friends & one wants to be more.. eventually it causes the needless loss of the friendship. There is regret & the man simply wishes for the woman to come back.. like a breeze to blow back towards him in comfort. However, in his wish.. he doesn't clarify.. So she ends up coming back like a cold breeze from the North in the winter-time.. a harsh bitter wind. He realizes he should have been careful what he wished for.. but in a sense still likes even her bitter presence more than her total absence. The end.


V1: Wipe this taste from my mouth

could you tell me I'm something... or anything at all by now

we could be friends but “more than this..” would always haunt my mind



you were the wind & I was the plastic pen..

used to compose a perfect, fantastic piece..

wind blow again & leave your breeze on my heart... oh oh..



{Chorus 1}-

& she blows south again....

from the north.. & it's a cold cold wind..

& she blows south again....

from the north to sting hearts of men...



V2: Wipe these tears from my chest

could you tell me it's nothing.. that life's not a mess for me

& we could be friends.. the kind that say phrases like “I still love you more”



She writes me again, but I'm not her pen..

to fit in her fingers & hold on to thoughts of when...

wind blow away the seeds of our yesterdays from my tattered heart..



{Chorus 1}-

& she blows south again....

from the north & it's a cold cold wind..

& she blows south again....

from the north to sting hearts of men... again...



{Bridge}-

& I swear I should have listened when everyone said that by now..

you should watch what you wish for...

& I swear I should have listened when everyone screamed in my ear...

but I am distracted...



& I swear I should have listened when everyone said that by now..

you should watch what you wish for...

& I swear I should have listened when everyone screamed in my ears..

but I am still wanting you here..



{Outro}-

come here...

ah, come here...ah



(please come around or just come near..

I'm distracted somehow & this could end badly now..



please come around or just come near..

I'm distracted somehow & this could end badly)



come here...ah, ah, ah..

come here...ah, ah ah, ah..

ah, Please come around or just come near.. I'm distracted somehow...

like in my dreams of falling...


please come around or just come near .. I'm distracted somehow...

like in my dreams of falling again.


****** P.S. -- I may post some kind of youtube version of this soon. I will load video on here.. if & when I do.