THE UGLY {(at 1st) & then beautiful, mind-bending} TRUTH

The other day I saw that the movie “The ugly truth” was on. You know, normal people wouldn’t want to watch it when it was in the middle to later part of the movie.. but I’ve never been normal so why start now right?  Well, Gerard Butler (aka Mike Chadway) kept going on & on & on about women wanting a checklist from men & not an actual man. To me, this has proved true in many respects. Women, in my opinion, are often asking for the brave, faithful, loving, honorable, noble, honest, chivalrous, romantic man. Yet, in large this man remains a mystery to them. However, it is not because they have never met this man. It is because when they do meet this man.. maybe even more than once.. they are scared out of their mind.. and in this fear they run, hide, cling to a state of denial, & perceptively reject the very man they sought out to find & hold on to! They begin asking themselves things like: How could this man exist & want me? I can’t deserve or keep this man so I won’t even try. They begin asking if the man they’ve met is, in fact, only a fantasy or a fake like all of the other times before him. They begin a string of hopeless analyzations that ultimately ends with them analyzing why they are still alone. Do you see the circle? Do you see the cycle? Life is not about a checklist. Love is not about a checklist. It is about itself. Love is, ironically selfish. However, it is only selfish in its unselfishness. Love is impatient, but only with impatience.

For me, this inevitably comes in the form of me being up front with women & them not being upfront with their own inability to handle upfrontness. Contradiction? Yes. But.. love doesn’t obey the rules of proper mannerism, etiquette or non-hypocrisy. Anything goes. I should know that. You should know that. Should it go? No. But, you have to be able to handle the utmost of pain in order to truly appreciate the utmost of blessing, joy & comfort.. or else you will invariably take it for granted every time.  People assume games are warranted; they aren’t. Most people just want to know where they stand. They don’t want to waste their time. However, given the option to waste time, let it be for love. But know this, if a man is willing to risk it all for you, you have a responsibility to do the same or else tell him upfront that you are a coward. You have to face it. We all have to. We are all enslaved to something. Some of us are slaves of freedom. Others still are slaves of money; others of resisting money. And still, many of us are slaves of ignorance in refusing to admit our dual natured slavery that often also involves daily cowardice of the heart.

Am I giving advice here? No, that’s not my main goal. I am just venting because my mind is often victim to slavery of love, but where does that leave my body? I confess, I often do not follow up on half of the romantic notions that plague my mind. Maybe that’s a good thing because most people aren’t equipped to handle what might happen then because it would be real. Ironically, it would also be like fantasy in that it would be a real fantasy & this is enough to confuse most rational thinkers … even the ones that fall victim to moments of being a dreamer. The world never has dealt with Shakespearean passion very well.  Nevertheless, I will press on. I will be stubborn, as men often are, and with it I will be patient. This seemingly contradictory pair will yield fruit and it will be sweet. Will it be now or later or later than later… as in long after my body has been laid to the grave & wasted by the worms of the earth? I have no clue. But guess what, that’s all part of the lure of life & love.  I mean, it’s not faith if you’re using your eyes (or at least if you’re using ONLY your eyes).

I am reminded of a thought I had while working out because of all of this plaguing my mind the other night. I was outside til maybe 2 something in the a.m. & I thought about boxing. Boxing is a lot like love:

Both make the palms sweat, & the heart beat fast, & the body yearn in joy & pain & anticipation of the next blow or victory. It is torture & it is insatiable desire. It is anguish & it is immovable joy. It is equal parts coffee & creamer. Separated from us it is bitter & cold.. but enacted it becomes sweet & lively & full of flavor & many would strive to buy it for way too high a portion of their paycheck.

You see, I think about this a lot. I can’t help but think of it. I can’t help but pray about it. I can’t help but long for it. I don’t do what I do for nothing. I didn’t start working out from vanity. I want to be a non-slothful man for her. I want her to know that I am willing to work & work & move & burst my butt & maybe my head & maybe my heart… on a daily basis.. but only for her. I didn’t start singing or playing guitar or piano or drums or guitar or ukulele for nothing.  I didn’t start writing songs for nothing. I don’t want fame from it. I just want to share life with her. And also, an occasional song never hurts. There are way too many tears & fears, we all need more songs & thongs. Okay, so maybe that last part was a joke ;-) 

Yesterday I started a mission in my life. It’s not a mission trip, but in a way it is.  It’s not a drug trip, but in a way it is. How? Well, I am seeking not to waste my life on procrastination & idle words. I am seeking to honor God by my commitment to love. I am also seeking to find him more in my enacted love that measures beyond words. I am also seeking to show him to others in this way. But also, I will find my wife this way. You see, it’s called “operation be all you can be for her.” If it sounds like a military operation gone fruity, it’s not. I’m not a fighter, but I will fight for love. I am a lover, but I will hate, loathe & despise that which is not love. This will teach me & I will grow wise & more mature & more as a child at the same time. In this, I will be able to laugh more & be more serious, but not overly so.

I am determined to live as if I were just diagnosed with a terminal disease. I will not pass a month without doing something that I’ve said I was going to do but only put it off as if I could tomorrow. I have to start showing my songs to the world. I can’t just sit back composing things only to enjoy them myself. I have to start being with friends more & cultivating relationships that I wish were more than just casual or workplace acquaintance. Our own minds are often the most limiting thing on the outcome of our lives. Shall I limit myself? Shall I be my own worst enemy? Or… Shall I let love limit me to be nearly limitless & the angels of heaven to be my own liberator of fear?  I look to the skies at night, alone often, and I know the easy answer to this question. Then I realize that the easy answer is often the hardest to live out. I am done answering questions that stop beyond the classroom only to avoid the ones that have lasting impact in life. This one, this will be the question that determines & directs the force of most of our lives. I suggest we pay more attention to it. We may be young, but let us never be young & stupid. Young and fun, we are. Young and tasteful, we will remain. Young and apply endowed to take on darkness, we are fighting the fight. Yet, the fight we fight is to remember that love is the final fight.  

 

Though I don't understand the meaning of love, I do not mind if I die trying. 

I have been bound by the shackles of love & I don't mind if I die tied up. 

I am a man, be a woman now. 

Tomorrow's song (love's war)

I am sending this to Jon Foreman, hopefully something comes of it. :-)

V1: She closed her fists as she shouted romantic words.
Two separate passions, divided by death & birth.
Up on the watchtower she sees the tree of life,
While men hold there guns high & women reach for their knives,
don’t talk about love’s war..

She closed her mind as she reached for the breath of life;
But what if in closing, she opened the doors of love’s evil side?
& what if her pictures & pages of wedding gowns & dresses could leave a stain…
til all known of love remains as a fantasy she refrains?

{Chorus 1}-
Oh it’s a double edged sword that we fight with.
Oh it’s a double edged wrong that we right (write) with.
& as she leaves to her battle the men will all cower & cry, cry, cry…
because love is a war where the right & the wrong reverse sides.

V2: She closed her fists as she sang with tomorrow’s song.
A future perspective divine with directive on..
A comfort, a privilege, a bleeding heart healed in time, time, time,
but men hold their guns up so high 'cause we don't talk about love.

{Chorus 2}-
Oh it’s a double edged sword that we fight with.
Oh it’s a double edged wrong that we right (write) with.
& as she leaves to her battle the men will all cower & cry, cry, cry…
because love is a war where the night & the dawn reverse the tide.

{Bridge}-
& we are drowning in the weight of what we know.
& we are drowning in the weight of the undertow.
& she is singing simple songs of relief,
As the thief comes to kill & steal & destroy love again.

{Chorus 3}-
Oh it’s a double edged sword that we fight with.
Oh it’s a double edged wrong that we write right with.
& as she leaves to her battle the men will all cower & cry, cry, cry…
because love is a war where the right & the wrong reverse sides.

Oh it’s a double edged sword that we fight with.
Oh it’s a double edged wrong that we write right with.
& as she leaves to her battle the men will all cower & cry, cry, cry…
because love is a war where both Hell & the Lord are alive...

{Outro}-
Yes, love is a war where both heaven & hell could arrive....
because love is a war where both heaven & hell come as wives.

A Christmas song

I had a Christmas list with your name on it then I realized it wasn’t a list..
it was the beating of 2 hearts.
I’ve lived the hit or miss & singled out the greatest parts.
If this is true for men then each “red” & “green” should be the starting & stop of a heart.

Oh, this Christmas is for meeting or beating “in love”.
Oh, this Christmas is for greeting  or bleeding “in love”.
Oh, this Christmas is for tripping my mind on your love.
Oh, this Christmas is for holding my heart in a glove, in the palm of your hand.

I wrote a Christmas list with your name in the center then I realized..
 it was the middle of winter..
I’ve walked ten miles for this & I find that 11 was called for.
How can someone be amazing?
If this is true for women, then all our decorations could just be like a play thing..
So we strip it down, so let’s strip it down, as I strip you down in my mind.
If all these lights are play things, why is the one in my heart on for you?

Oh, this Christmas is for meeting or beating “in love”.
Oh, this Christmas is for greeting  or bleeding “in love”.
Oh, this Christmas is for tripping my mind on your love.
Oh, this Christmas is for holding my heart in a glove, in the palm of your hand.

How can someone be amazing?
Girls like you exist for me, but for most part in fairy tales.
How can someone be amazing?
Oh, but you are to me.
Yes you are, yes you are..
You’re to me, Like a Christmas tree..

Oh, this Christmas is for meeting or beating “in love”.
Oh, this Christmas is for greeting  or bleeding “in love”.
Oh, this Christmas is for tripping my mind on your love.
Oh, this Christmas is for holding my heart in a glove, in the palm of your hand.

So this mistletoe won't be limiting love to days or weeks or years.
So this Christmas, mistletoe cries jealous tears.


Bedroom eyes

Last night I heard you walking on egg shell lines.
About that time, I heard you talking of bedroom eyes.
And in between these conversation of our feet & our mouths & minds,
there was a Siamese connection that was akin to drugs of several kinds..
Except none of them was the deadly kind..
And every other was the lovely crime of 2 hearts, I'm addicted.

Beating slowly, beating faster now, but only when you’re around..
Breathing slowly, breathing faster now, but only when you’re around..
It’s a shame that I’ve got to.. It’s a shame that I’ve got to leave you here.
Breathe In slowly, breathe out faster now.. & then lay your head to dream me again.

Last night I saw you stalking me from the bedroom blinds.
About this time, I put a dirty movie on.. to reveal what I’m really like.
And in between there was a siren from my heart, for my soul & my mouth & my mind..
And it said, “There isn’t even rehab for this one, man.”
And I tangled you up in my mind.. in my mind again.
And I’m sure I’m addicted enough to be..

Beating slowly, beating faster now, but only when you’re around..
Breathing slowly, breathing faster now, but only when you’re around..
It’s a shame that I’ve got to.. It’s a shame that I’ve got to leave you here.
Breathe In slowly, breathe out faster now.. & then lay your head to dream me again.

And I’m dreaming of dreaming.. of you.
And I’m dreaming of dreaming.. of you.
And I’m dreaming of dreaming.. of you & me where potential goodbye isn’t possible for all-time.
You can close your eyes.

Beating slowly, beating faster now, but only when you’re around..
Breathing slowly, breathing faster now, but only when you’re around..

Beating slowly, beating faster now, but only when you’re around..
Breathing slowly, breathing faster now, but only when you’re around..
It’s a shame that I’ve got to.. It’s a shame that I’ve got to leave you here.
Breathe In slowly, breathe out faster now.. & then lay your head to dream me again.

PERFECT!

This song makes me happy. It makes me feel like the double rainbow guy witnessing his own wedding during an "out of body" experience from under the very same double rainbow :P

I made a map of her piano

I made a map of your piano,
it’s telling me to love you right.
I made a map of your piano,
it’s leading me to you tonight.
I made a map of your piano,
sprung from notes both wrong & right.
I made a map of your piano,
to sing of winter’s summer nights.

Oh & she goes burning through a song that I wrote in my head.
Oh & she goes burning through a song I wrote at the foot of her bed.
Oh & she goes burning again as I break from the weekend chorus of the dead..
An echo rings into my head.. she said, she said she loves..

I made a map of your piano,
it’s telling me you are in tune.
I made a map of your piano,
it’s telling me of jealous moons..
I made a map of your piano,
& foreign planets still collide.
I made a map of your piano,
to bring you here right to my side.

Oh & she goes burning through a song that I wrote in my head.
Oh, an echo's burning like the lover’s lips full of red, as she read her lover.
Oh & she goes burning through a song that I wrote at the foot of her bed,
but tonight will be the 1st night that her song.. is bringing true love to life.

Yeah, we're bringing true love to life.
Yeah, your love brings true love to life.
Yeah, we're breathing true love tonight.
Yeah, cause love breathes truth into lies..

Oh & she goes burning through a song that I wrote in my head.
Oh & she goes burning through a song I wrote at the foot of her bed.
Oh & she goes burning again as I break from the weekend chorus of the dead..
A diamond ring sings to the stars.. she says, she says she loves

I made a map of her piano,
to find her love & sweep this gloom.
to turn the page & read in numbers..
It’s telling me of many rooms…
And it’s here in every 1 of them
that I’m making love tonight.
With a boom that's like a thunder..
Piano sing me to my love.

Oh and she goes burning through a song that I wrote in my head…
Oh and she goes burning through a song that I wrote at the foot of her bed…
Oh and she goes burning like the lips of a lover still stained ruby red..
But tonight, we’ll live out actions of our words.
She said, then she proved she loves...
She said, then she proved she loves....
She said, then she proved she loves....
She said, then she proved she loves me.
She said, she said, then I.........

Equally skilled...

stripped down Jon Foreman song (live). Based off the VERY powerful Micah 7:1-9... we went over this in 8th century prophets this morning & this song just kept playing on repeat in my mind!

The eyes of Wonder (a tribute)

In a recent interview, Stevie Wonder was asked the following question by Larry King (if I may paraphrase): "One musician retired in his 50's and when asked why responded with, 'I have said all I have to say.'" To this Wonder said that as long as their was life, as long as their was conflict unresolved, as long as their was conflict over the unresolved conflicts, as long as their was pain & injustice he would have something to say. This was an intense statement.. yet somehow overshadowed by the tremendous impact of a few of his other poignant statements. I will give a few examples: When Larry King asked him if he always is writing in his mind, he said that he wasn't really always writing but that he did spend much of his time "in his head" and figuring how he wants certain ideas and playing with things (like a kid sort of). He then added this on the tail end (which somehow made him seem like the wisest grown man with a kid's heart & playful attitude that I have ever heard of).... "But, uh, when I feel that I don't have a song.. I just say 'God please give me another song!' & I just get quiet & it happens."  He also said this at one point in the interview when asked how he dealt with being called a genius at such an early age & what he thought about it. 

‎"This here is a gift from God, I am only a vehicle of his use." -- Stevie wonder when asked on how he handled being called a genius at a young age & throughout his life.

What is there that can be said of such wisdom? Is there anything?

My response as a fellow musician & songwriter: The mind sees far more than the eyes ever do. How does a writer write without sight? Easy, he sees with his heart & his emotions & his mind & his smell & his feeling.. and by feeling I mean rea...lly "feeling" the way that many of us seldom do. He feels; he grasp for concepts & ideas & truths the way that few of the human race will. This is because the eye is often the limiting factor of our bodies and souls. We are conditioned to limit our entire lives to what can be seen with the eye. We look, but we don't really see.

Okay, so I guess all of that really isn't easy.. but.. well.. paradox much? lol...


After watching this interview & hearing of Wonder's open attitude to work with virtually anyone musician that has drive & love of the music.. because of his own love of the music.. I did just what Wonder said he does.. I asked God for just another song.. though I have done this before (in different words) I especially thought of some of the themes he accentuates and penned this as a "vehicle of God's".

Enjoy! :-)


Take one ride to the bus stop today to see the people living lives,
or so they say.
I see a basket sitting high upon a shelf, a little boy wants food but there’s
no one there to help.
I’m tired of living in the age of  “yours” & “mine”,
while a child’s imprisoned, forced to the life a crime.
Guess one man’s poison is the recent runaway, & the other man’s prison is the eyes that made him stay.

I want to leave.
Would you take my eyes?
I want to leave; could you take the thought that made my “eyes”  become the “I’s”?
This is not me, it is just a shell
to take the stain & protect a soul that should see hell.
Oh I should see hell, come take my “I’s” so I don’t.

I spent one night in a prison cell today,
It seems my nights & days have lost their track that way.
This is no different from the basket on the shelf,
or the boy who needed it when his dad deprived his health.
I’m tired of taking this in the age of passive rights!
True love means action, & it’s come for “yours” & “mine”.
I’m tired of living death with my life upon the shelf…
With the old men singing songs of the times that went so well.

& our voices swell.
& our voices did swell!!!

I want to leave.
Would you take my eyes?
I want to leave; could you take the thought that made my “eyes”  become the “I’s”?
This is not me, it’s just a shell
to take the stain & protect a soul that should see  Satan & his hell.
I want to leave, could you take my “I’s” so I don’t?

This is the difference in Heaven & hell…
This is the difference in basket on the shelf…
One looks too high to see that the bowl is down below..
One looks too low to see that the bowl is high above..
& we do the same, with our love.. with your love.

I want to leave.
Would you take my eyes?
I want to leave; could you take the thought that made my “eyes”  become the “I’s”?
This is not me, it is just a shell
to take the stain & protect a soul that should see hell.

I want to leave.
Would you take my eyes?
I want to leave; could you take the thought that made my “eyes”  become the “I’s”?
This is not me, it’s just a shell
to take the stain & protect a soul that should see  Satan & his hell.
I want to leave, could you take my “I’s” so I don’t?

I want to leave, come take my “I’s” so I don’t!

Dance me to the end of time

If I can not be with you, then I should know,

Then I should know.

& If I can not stay with you, the I should go,

I should just go.

You tame me just to push me down,

Say this was wrong, or just tie me down again.

You gave me your love just to take me down,

With the withdrawls I find from a misery

Of being without you tonight.

And I don’t know what I should say to a love like this,

And I don’t know if I can stay with a love like this,

With my life in my hands, I give you my heart again..

To dance me to the end of time or stab me in the back once again.

I f I can not be with you, then you must know

Then you must know.

& if my arms weren’t so safe for you,

Then leave me alone, just leave me alone to myself.

You tamed me somehow just to push me down,

And throw me the collar and steal all the keys to this town.

Withdrawls have come, because I’m a masochist…

Apparently I somehow liked this….

But I don’t know what I can say to a love like this,

And I don’t know if I can stay with a love like this,

With my life in my hands, I give you my heart again..

To dance me to the end of time or stab me in the back once again.

Sail me on the water, but promise me not to drown our love this time.

Sail me on the waters, but promise me not to poison the best of nights.

Sail me on the water, but promise me not to drown our love this time.

Sail me on the waters, but promise me not to poison the best of nights..

when the lights just burst  on me  again…

And I don’t know what I should say to a love like this,

Or a lover’s white fists that tied the knot around my neck again,

Won’t you pick me up stead of hanging me.. ?

I don’t know if I can stay, with a love like this, for a love like this.

If I stand here with heart in my hand…again

Would you dance me to the end of time & spare my heart

Of your dark sins?

Taylor Swift

So since Austin Kyle Renfroe has a song out on itunes called "Taylor Swift" (& it's really good by the way), I decided that I would play my hand at the friendly, family "& now it's my turn" moment. (And no, I totally didn't mean that in the Arkansas kind of way either.. moving on). Basically this was just a really fun & creative songwriting ex. for me. All of the Guitar stuff for it is still in my head at this point since it's 3:36am now lol.

If I had to sum this up I'd say this is a song from a songwriter to a songwriter about love of all kinds & its' potential.. in music.. in life.. in fantasy.. but more than anything it's realization in reality & what that can mean.

This may be the first song I complete & put out over the web for obvious promotional & marketing reasons :P

*****THE LYRICS*****
This is a love song, I hope that you can hear it.
I hope that you adhere to it just like those books with great advise.
This is a heart song, I hope that you can feel it.
I hope you want to steal from it & make the feelings that I'm talking
come to meet you in the real life.

And if my greatest words just fall short of who you are...
Well then the greatest kiss will have to wait & greet you in the dark.. oh

To feel you now, to touch your skin
To understand the shape I'm in..
To love me just for who I am...
To not believe that all love is pretend

To tame the stars & watch them fall over you..
To watch the rain, but not a minute too soon..
Maybe I'll know that I love you then...
Maybe you'll know & still the words will be
so small.. but still like wine

This is a love song, I hope that you can hear it.
I hope that you won't fear it, like a pathetic stalker with a fist of cheap fixed lines.
And if I'm played out to you, then just give me a decent chance..
to bring about a sweet romance
& when the sun comes up I'm betting you'll love me still.

No more, waking the dawn to find an empty pillow with no face.
No more, chasing the curb to find the pavement wants to meet you face to face.
(cause I'd rather kiss you anyway)

To feel you now, to touch your skin
To understand the shape I'm in..
To love me just for who I am...
To not believe that all love is pretend

To tame the stars & watch them fall over you..
To watch the rain, but not a minute too soon..
Maybe I'll know that I love you then...
Maybe you'll know & still the words will be
so small.. but still like wine
so small.. but still like wine..

And I am finding that love is an intoxicating,
it's an exhilarating, it's an unchanging, a belief that I've found..
And when you wake in the morning & always have a first kiss to find,
And you always have another gift beside you
And you always have a another rush in her eyes...


This is a love song, I hope that you can hear it.
I hope that you adhere to it just like those books with great advise.
This is a heart song, I hope that you can feel it.
I hope you want to steal from it & make the feelings that I'm talking
come to meet you in the real life..
make it real oh make it real now..

To feel you now, to touch your skin
To understand the shape I'm in..
To love me just for who I am...
To not believe that all love is pretend

To tame the stars & watch them fall over you..
To watch the rain, but not a minute too soon..
Maybe I'll know that I love you then...
Maybe you'll know & still the words will seem
so small, just like the perfect date with sweet red wine
just like the lottery odds, so small..
just like the fate of the Saab, so small...
like chances that Elvis died.

Are we in Paris yet?
Are we in Paris yet?
Are we in Paris?

I open my eyes, look in the mirror & I'm seeing you...
put in a verse of mine

Easier than breathing (not to say you're easy) :P

 I want to teach to you about learning..
This is a lesson of laws about learning..
This is a lesson of laws about learning the right way to spell:
“You & me”

I took my best guest and put the R before the vowel sound..
I took my next guest and made a simple funny sound..
at least if I can't get it right then I can make you laugh..

But seriously.. I just want to breathe...

And she said.. that's just what it is..
Because the best way to spell a truer love than all the others
is “It's easy as breathing”

And when you put your foot to the rubber..
You will find that you can't run from her..
cause the biggest of your fears start to drown beside the years that you want to love her.

And that's it... because it's easy as breathing..
Oh that's it... you make love as easy as breathing.

I want to teach you the words to my version
of the incessant, automatic better version.. of this..
oh yeah & if you take the time to listen I would say:
“You know that it's you.”

I want to take the time to memorize your number
even when I have predict-a-text & auto-dial..
because the meaning of the season that I find myself believing in
is calling for style (not auto-tune)

and it's leading me into your eyes, can I stay for awhile?
But seriously.. I still need to breathe...

And she said.. that's just what it is..
Because the best way to spell a truer love than all the others
is “It's easy as breathing”

And when you put your foot to the rubber..
You will find that you can't run from her..
and then the biggest of your fears will start to drown beside the years that you're wanting to love her.

And that's it...
Oh that's it...

And we can joke about salvation history,
And we can talk about this crowded, tangled, web we weave..
but amidst the crowded room, I will always meet your eyes when I open that door.

And we can talk about semantics & the words we see,
or we can live them like we mean that they're not make believe..
and when we live them like we mean them in our living room...
then we will surely be free...
or we could think just a little farther.. outside.. of our box...
because love does..

I want to teach you a lesson about learning..
This is a lesson of laws about learning..
This is a lesson of laws about learning the right way to spell:
“You & me”

I took my best guest and put the R before the vowel sound..
I took my next guest and said a simple funny noun..
at least if I can't get it right then I can always make you laugh..s

But seriously.. just laugh once for me...
But seriously.. laughing & breathe!

And she said..
Love is not a number or a spelling
but it's easy as breathing..

And I said..
Love is not a number or a slumber
case it's easier than breathing..

And when you're around..
I can't depend on my lungs to even make a sound
because I'm dreaming of a feeling where I'm kissing you and leaving all the “oxygen-kind”.
And I'll take you in for the rest of time.
And I'll breathe you in for the rest of time.
And I'll take you in cause loving you is easier than breathing,
but that's not to say.. that you are easy.. no!

Your loss

So I realize this is a LOT ironic. I started this song yesterday and wrote some more on it today after the Taylor Swift special.. um.. I could finish it now.. but I feel like I want some of tomorrow's event to soak in and maybe have some kind of lasting effect on the overall shape of the song. Right now it's about a bad relationship, bruises and being left & just deciding that in life we have the option to wallow or to move on and make the most of our future by learning from the past and all of the coupled blessings & injustices that are somehow thrown our way. WE can learn & achieve amidst and through both of these seemingly opposite things. Success & failure aren't really all that different... The wise person realizes that success can't truly be measured until the end of a story.. defeat is only assumed when you allow yourself to believe that you are stopping your history & future to dwell on current or past events. Keep moving. Learn from things and make the next step better. I'm like a child learning to crawl and talk and walk in love.. so are you. Step forward and fall.. but get back up and do it better the next time!

Somehow I know that there's going to be more than that message to intertwine in this song.. tomorrow I deal with a funeral and then working almost 8 hours in Jackson during crazy Friday madness... I will birth art out of the situation though.. I really will. And if for some reason I was to be horribly injured tomorrow or die even.. someone else will see this and they will be inspired to live with urgency and to love with passion and to voice it in word & action. This means that no matter what happens tomorrow.. today was a success.. but the story is still unwritten.. so we can't call it success yet.. now can we?

***Preliminary lyrics.. (unfinished)***
Break the dawn & tell your story,
I could tell that you were lonely in the hands of time.
Fight the book that's on your shelf
& feed the fish that live inside your soul to calm the seeds of time.

These rhymes can only go so far
it seems that love's made like a Gar
to catch & slip away...(any day now)

The book that sits upon my shelf is writing me into a selfish
prayer to pray in vain...

This is a metaphor of how a double door can let you in and spit you out with a bitter taste.
This is a metaphor of how a rubber soul can run your heart to the ground & laugh in your face.
And if it seems that I'm a little bit selfish, I've earned the right to fight without a bruised fist
It's you that did this,.. it's you that did this to me..
Your loss is my victory.

A summer's wedding in winter

I just thought of a melodic structure of semi-jazz, semi-classic influenced guitar to use with this & may appropriately arrange piano for it. There is some French used in the Outro as appropriate from the previous word painting used. This is meant to be a proposal between two lovers left standing after an almost Shakespearean (though modern) tragedy. I'm not marking verses or choruses due to not wanting to interrupt the flow of the wording. Enjoy! If I ever did a song along the lines of a Michael Bublé, Frank Sinatra, Rufus Wainwright style..   THIS WOULD BE IT!!!


I've got you painted on these pictures,
but “in my mind” is always far away.
I'd prefer if I could sit or stand beside you,
& admire the way the sun lights off your face.

Oh, an afterglow of a summer spark
at the kissing tree when you were young.
Oh an afterburn from a summer kiss
like a wedding ring that's born to fit.

And you stand only cause the rest of them fall,
and I'm standing here beside you
and I'm left to gaze at what was won..

And I stare only cause I'm left in total awe
and I'm standing here beside you
til the kneeling part & the fancy words to follow.

I've got two lamps upon a shelf,
And one of them is for my faults,
to ward off a once cold, dim heart..

And two is for the nights of “me & you”...
though grammar has some power I'm left
to discard all my prose & rhymes when..
words can't come to make you move..
my lips will come to make you swoon
And this is love

And you stand only cause the rest of them fall,
and I'm standing here beside you
and I'm left to gaze at what was won..

And I stare only cause I'm left in total awe
and I'm standing here beside you
til the kneeling part & the fancy words to follow.

Take a look at my humanly flawed eyes
& see if you can see my former self.
No doubt, the perfect woman made me perfect too..
and she is here and she is dancing in my arms...
a Venus goddess bows to you.

And you stand only cause the rest of them fall,
and I'm standing here beside you
and I'm left to gaze at what was won..

And I stare only cause I'm left in total awe
and I'm standing here beside you
til the kneeling part & the fancy words to follow.

Outro (in French)
Et ils viendront et vous embrasseront sur vos bouts du doigt, mais j'embrasserai vos lèvres d'offre.
Danse, danse pour moi. Rappelez que nous sommes vivants dans le monde parfait de l'amour et libres.

{translation}- Outro..
And they will come & kiss you on your fingertips, but I will kiss your tender lips.
Dance, dance for me. Remind that we're living in the present perfect world of love & free




Letters to Juliet

V1: This is the story of a love history
       Of a boy that once was marred in defeat
       Until the laugh of a girl & her smile & her hair
       Took off the boring & victory was sweet.

       The weight of golden light & love butterflies,
       A night of roses & a fist full of white lies,
       To tame this garden & to uproot all the weeds,
       It was told, I was bold, she was gold…
       She melted & covered me.

Pre-chorus 1:
And your letters marked the time of a love & a grace from above.
And your lips were a garden of songs made of songs that came to wake the dead & revive the  weak.

Chorus 1:
& letters from Juliet remind me that love is a story but more than just rhymes.

Your letters from Juliet remind me that love holds the power to beat all our crimes.

V2: This is the story of a girl & her feat,
        A boy that swept from under them when they would meet..
        & the times hold a key to our mechanical lines..
        Loose the chains of youth to shed our eyes from public disguise.

      To take the “our” with 7 golden lamps that help us to see..
      This church is miles & miles from where my mind wants us to be.
      To grow a garden & to fill it with love…
I was sold from the cold into the wedding throws of emerald love.

Pre-chorus 2:
And your letters mark the time of a love & a grace from above.
And your lips sealed on me like a spark that’s sure to set my mind to love..
I surrender.


Chorus 2:
& letters from Juliet remind me that love is a story but more than just rhymes.
Your letters from Juliet remind me that love holds the power to beat all our crimes.

& you will find that love is a life of the joys & the pains & the pleasures & frills
But letters from Juliet can renew a fragile mind to a lifetime of thrills.

Bridge: You’re here with me.
              You’re here with me.
             You’re here with me.
              You’re here with me.
        (my love, my love, my love for the perfect victory)

Chorus 3:
& letters from Juliet remind me that love is a story but more than just rhymes.
Your letters from Juliet remind me that love holds the power to beat all our crimes.

& you will find that love is a life of the joys & pains & pleasures & frills
But letters from Juliet mark my mind..
To remind me …

But letters from Juliet mark my mind…
To remind me you’re mine forever…

But letters from Juliet mark a mortal mind..
To bring the heavens tonight.

"Barton Hollow" | The Civil Wars | OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO | [HD]

it's too late to be thinking these deep thoughts...

"I yawn & yet I yearn. A part of me wants to sleep & a part of me dies to live. To yawn, to yearn-- to sleep & dream or to live a life of the dreams that dreams dream of? To yawn & slow to the doldrums of settling or to yearn & yell at the top of my lungs that I will not be shaken? This is the conflict."-- Me (at 12 something in the A.M.)

I often think that I think too much (Do you see the paradox?). This would prove true no matter how wise one would gauge me to be (or not to be). What I mean is that thinking in and of itself does nothing. Thinking does not perform a function.. to think merely for the sake of thinking is foolishness. What purposes do theories solve? Unless they are put into the further stages of testing and then (ultimately) being proven or disproven.. they mean nothing. AND SO IT IS WITH THOUGHT! So then, any amount of thinking is too much thinking. Does this mean my parents should cry because of spending money on my private school education? NO!!!! It simply means that they should cry (and so should I) if thought is the limit (and end) of my education. Thoughts are nice: thoughts of love, thoughts of falling in love, thoughts of freedom, thoughts of God...

However.. thoughts are thoughts.. it is our actions or lack of that proves or disproves these thoughts. (be it love or our concept or profession of Who God is & what he's like & what we think of him & how we live for him)

What does the above quote have to do with this, you say?
Well, it is kind of similar in a way. I'm glad you asked.

Have you ever read Philippians 1? Good, I'm glad you have. Oh, but YOU.. you haven't. Oh, good thing I've included a nice, nifty little link to an online translation of it here (copy & paste in your browser window)

----------> http://www.gnpcb.org/esv/search/?q=Philippians+1



See, Paul faced this same type of predicament. He had a paradox of living or dying to deal with. In the idea of thinking too much.. we see a paradox. We are taught to think. In fact, teaching is thinking in advanced form. So how then could we say we could think too much? And yet, thought of any form without follow up action.. is just that. Meaningless.

With the quote at the start of all this madness, we see the same thing. To yearn & to yawn can become strikingly similar and in fact the same thing apart from the difference of follow up action. So then we see also in Paul's case that living and dying can be the same thing.

Living is death apart from Christ & yet IN CHRIST dying becomes true living. To die becomes gain when we see that we are really going home to be with Christ! And yet, there are times where it is more profitable for our own sakes or for others.. to live on and minister even in the less valuable earthly state (and yet even though it is "less desirable" it becomes "more desirable" when it is the will of Christ)!

Do you see the train of paradox being continually added to here? And yet people would claim that the bible contradicts itself. Does it? NO!!! It is simply paradoxical... just like our lives ... go figure.

We can't understand the natural paradox even though because we are too busy thinking and not adding action to our thoughts. How then could we ever hope to understand (the much more simple-complex) spiritual paradox?


See, we can even go deeper than that. When you first read my quote.. at the start of this.. I bet you thought the words like "sleep, dream, yell, yawn & yearn" were literal? And yet, they weren't. I meant them in a figurative & metaphorical fashion. I meant that to sleep is to die (figuratively or literally).. and to dream is to stay in a unconscious realm of thought without action continually.. and to yell is to really live consciously and know that you are doing so... and to yearn is to yell & push forward to strive for Christ even more in the paradoxical realm of dying to live by dying to self...


So then, everything takes on new meaning when transferring from the flesh to the spirit.. even when put in secular terms... sleep is no longer simply "sleep".. to yearn is no longer simply "to yearn".

Maybe even... just maybe.. "loving" is no longer simply "to love" but something much more deep and profound only found by continual prayer & pouring over the scriptures & seeking the Father in Heaven... who is the only good one.

So then, by that, the "good" of the world isn't even good.
The "good" of the Christian isn't even good unless every time we say "good" we mean "Father in Heaven"!

See, a deeper meaning.

What if the "love" of the world is also not love.
What if the "love" of the Christian is also not even love unless every time we say or do "love"..... it is a reference to that love which is the love that IS the Father (since scripture says that God is love)...

Wow...
yehhhhhh.

I also see Romans 7 & 8 all over the quote at the start of this. You should go read that.

I mean let's re-examine the quote..

"I yawn & yet I yearn. A part of me wants to sleep & a part of me dies to live. To yawn, to yearn-- to sleep & dream or to live a life of the dreams that dreams dream of? To yawn & slow to the doldrums of settling or to yearn & yell at the top of my lungs that I will not be shaken? This is the conflict."

yawn= thinking but not moving beyond thought.

yearning = desiring to move beyond thought & being at the point of considering it but not yet doing it.

sleep = to die (figuratively or literally)..

to live = to not sleep or die.. or willingly die or sleep so that another may not have to sleep or die against their own will. (denial of self, self sacrificing, non-selfish. fruit that is shown through actions-- peace, joy, love, respect, honor, mercy, willingness to give, willingness to suffer, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..)

dream = dream is to stay in a unconscious realm of thought without action continually.. (which is also to never have to choose or face conflict but also means never facing the rewards of good choices and good blessings and mercy)

yell = to really live consciously and know that you are doing so... so that "to yearn" becomes "yelling" & pushes forward to strive for Christ even more in the paradoxical realm of dying to live by dying to self... forgetting what is behind except in area of growing in wisdom & Godliness.

And you ask, "What about dying?"

I haven't defined dying in the new paradigm, I believe that if we define the others...in the light of Christ.. Christ will see to it that the paradox of death stays true so that death is really no death at all.. but a (Colossians 2) type realization of who our true self really is in Christ.. to no longer see as in a mirror dimly.. but to see and know fully now (Corinthian's concept) even as we have been fully known by Christ!!!

That my friends, is a beautiful concept..
but we are thinking too much.

Let us begin action so that it may be realized & not merely thought upon.
Christ is no theory, he is in fact & is. He IS that he IS.
He says, "I AM".

He is... he is not a theory that is going to be....
but he is proven. He already is.. and was.. and will be.

So, let's get out of thinking and theory mode & move into the realm of what we do with proven entities.

Even in science, we don't just sit around all day contemplating something when it's proven. We put it to use. We act upon it. We find out how it applies so that it may heal & repair & grow & nurture life.

NO, we don't just sit around talking. We don't just sit around hypothesizing. We PRACTICE. And practice entails that failures come, but it's okay... because practice is also what leads to success!

Let's do that. I want to do that.

lose your "black & white" mentality people.

Some would say "Do not provoke your brother."
I would say.. "You're on to something.. lose your 'black & white' mentality & you might get something out of that."

Here's what I mean--> It's not a matter of "Do" or "Don't" ....

Let's resolve this--

Go ahead and provoke your brother. In fact, provoke your sister & your mom & dad & pastor & deacons even!.. Provoke them unto good works & righteousness. Provoke them unto peace, love, hope, virtue, charity, real living-- truth.

So then it's not a matter of what we are against, but what we are for. What we are for (when strong enough -- meaning .. when of God) automatically implies what we are against!

There are times when you have to also literally say it though, but I think you're getting my mindset here.. eh?

The word of God is not so weak that it cannot stand on its own power! It is both an offense & defense of itself. It is complete.. not lacking in any good thing.

And so, why must we feel the need to add & subtract to it?
We simply hinder it for a time.. and so.. hinder ourselves from real progress.

The Descartes fallacy- like soup w/o a spoon.

Well here I am. Or am I here? The paradox of existence, ah. And yet, I know that I am. But what part of me "is" & whose is it? and for how long & to what extent?

I mean, Am I here 100% occupied in whatever I do.. or am I divided in allegiances constantly.. even w/o admitting it? I should surely hope not, Christ did say that a house divided against itself could never stand!

I will say that this is tricky to even begin to talk about.. because we could get into the realm of walking in the flesh vs. walking in the spirit.. which could further break down. I don't want to do that now. I just want to examine one particular secular notion that is kind of relative to this whole idea. (but if you want to read on flesh vs. spirit-- look at Romans 7 & 8.. or at the Galatians 5 passage on the Fruit of the spirit.. or Colossians 3.. or Philippians 2 & 3.. that should paint some kind of picture for you)


I belong to Christ, 100%. And yet, I don't always live up to the quote: "I think, therefore I am." No offense to Descartes, but I find his quote disheartening. It doesn't finish well. Just because I think on love doesn't mean I love. Just because I doubt my own validity in the universe doesn't mean that the implied personal nature of that doubt proves my existence. Just because I think.. that doesn't do anything. The concept is really a fallacy to me. It doesn't finish well. If I had to compare its mode of thought to anything.. I would compare it to a big bowl of soup without a spoon. It looks really good, but you can't take it all in. You want to take it all in, because it seems tasty.. but you realize that without the spoon.. it is incomplete and will end up spilling on you and leaving you burned in the end.

Christ commands me to finish well, so I have to rework Descartes fallacy of thought process here. I would say, for the Christian: "I love, therefore I am."

In fact, I would take it even a step further and just say all of this--

You have heard the saying "I think, therefore I am." This is not enough. I now say to you "I love, therefore I am." If one wonders whether or not they truly exist.. their wondering alone is not proof of true existence. You have heard that it is, but it is not. Proof of true living is love, for this is what the Father seeks.


and then I would take it even farther by adding this--
Those who worship must worship in spirit & in truth. I tell you this-- Apart from love, your Father in heaven does not even exist.. for such is his very being.



Now Go read 1st John and then read John 4 and tell me that what I'm saying doesn't line up with scripture. I dare you. I want you to be like the Acts 17:10-11 people. Go examine my words. I don't speak of my own initiative, but of the Father. Even as it is written, why would a man seek his own perishable glory when he could seek the imperishable glory of the Father? Therefore, I speak of the imperishable glory that is of the Father.. that I might also partake of that divine glory (in due time).

P.S. -- The first few chapters of Colossians tend to speak really well on this idea as well.

cause sometimes you just need to make a kid's song into an adult's song...

& find that some things about child-hood are perfectly beautiful when transferred to adulthood.

WRONG WAY!

This is sort of a satirically "happy" sounding sound with an up-beat about the saddest thing ever. Yes, I wrote a paradox in song form. It's about knowingly & willingly rebelling against God & choosing other gods (that are not gods) to be God in his place... This song is about telling him that.. to his face... or you could look at is as a believers sarcastic take on other people doing so. There are certainly elements of both in here. If this makes you want to shoot me or call me a blasphemer.. then good for me. Here we go!



V1: Father, Father, Father believe us when I tell you..

We took the wrong way out &

Father, Father, Father mistreat us when we tell you..

That God can mistreat now &

I know, I know, I know it’s crazy to command you..

I took the wrong way now.

As example to all of my peers..

I took the wrong way out.



V2: Father, Father, Father believe me when I tell you..

that I’m an officer now &

Father, Father, I’m a policeman caught abusing

I’ve stole your position now &

I know, I know, I know it’s crazy to call you names

Like “pathetic & made up” & "bastard"

& I’m taking the wrong way out..

I’ll take the wrong way out.



{Chorus 1}-

So give me your number, & I will call the complaint line.

So give me your cover, & I will berate your marriage design.

So give me your number, & will call the complaint line.

Cause I’m always good at calling people, screwing up my years.



V3: Father, Father, Father believe us when I tell you

We are a strong race now &..

Father, Father, Father believe that we don’t need you..

Even thought we cry out in despair

See I know, I know.. I know it’s crazy to want you..

And to need you but deny your own right

to call us to love & not hate your design of light.



{Chorus 2}-

So give me your number, & I will call the complaint line.

So give me your cover, & I will berate your marriage design.

So give me your number, & will call the complaint line.

Cause I’m always good at calling people, screwing up all hope near.



{Bridge}-

To the common man it’s like “God” is “Dog” & “Dog” is “man”

& we’re picking up numbers to plot our own graves in the sand.

To the common man it’s like “God” is “Dog” & “Dog” is “man”…

& now man oh man.. I’d call you but I’ve cut the line again..

now my heart beat is dead.

DUM, DUM, DUM.
(I am dumb. We're all dumb!)



{Chorus 3}-

So give me your number, & I will call the complaint line.

So give me your cover, & I will berate your marriage design.

So give me your number, & will call the complaint line.

Cause I’m always good at calling people, screwing up my years.



So give me your number, & I will call the complaint line.

So give me your cover, & I will berate your marriage design.

So give me your number, & will call the complaint line.

Cause I’m always good at calling people, screwing up all hope near.



{Outro}-

So I’m taking the wrong way now, I’ll take the wrong way out.

So I’m taking the wrong way now, I’ll take the wrong way out.

So I’m taking the wrong way now, I’ll take the wrong way out.. Lord.